“The Bachelorette” contestant Chad Johnson couldn’t have a more perfect name. Anyone named Chad, at least by ’80s movie standards, is born to be a narcissist jerk. As this season’s self-appointed trouble maker, it’s transparently clear to audiences that he’s a total douchebag, undeserving of any of JoJo Fletcher’s attention.
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JoJo will soon realize that this exquisitely handsome man is an unworthy suitor. Let us be clear, here … Chad is not going to win JoJo’s heart. If he keeps up this charade of shamelessly promoting his epically inflated sense of self-worth, he may never win anyone’s heart.
We have compiled the Top 5 reasons that Chad — whose real name isn’t even Chad … it’s Brian — will be single forever.
1. One glance at his Instagram
We’re not sure if there’s anything worse than riffing a hashtag theme from Donald Trump but here it is: #makethebachelorgeatagain. He’s basically promoting himself to be the next “Bachelor,” which means he has no real interest in JoJo. He only has enough interest to stay on the show long enough to be a runner-up.
The ex-marine turned luxury real estate agent’s propensity for writing #dolladollabillsyall on nearly every photo is beyond cringe worthy.
Chad’s posts speak for themselves. His self-inflated ego and obsession with appearing cool screams from every photo. He fancies himself a ladies man, but clearly has no idea what women actually want in a partner. It’s not just being good-looking and appearing wealthy, but it seems that he is completely naive to that fact.
2. His body
Chad’s body is ridiculously chiseled. We can’t take that away from him. But keeping his physique in tip top shape takes priority over everything. A girlfriend will always come second to leg day at the gym. We’ll even go so far as to assert that he loves his body more than he will ever love anything or anyone else.
3. He’s full of crap
Chad tries to play off this whole “I think reality shows are dumb” type of vibe, except for the fact that he’s currently starring in one. He claims that he can’t be in love with JoJo because he barely knows her but continuously interrupts JoJo’s other dates. Why? It’s because he doesn’t understand why she’s carrying on this flirty charade with other guys when it’s already obvious that she’s going to pick him in the end. Chad’s assumption that it only takes one look before women instantly fall in love with him is both sexist and laughable to everyone. Well, everyone except for him.
It was recently revealed that Chad bought domains using the other contestants’ names so that people online get rerouted to his site every time they type in those URL addresses. It’s one ballsy, evil genius move. However, this further drives home the fact that his interest in JoJo is purely self motivated for his own financial gains. Chad … err, we mean Brian … is full of crap.
4. This failed protein shake analogy
Maybe all the protein he’s been eating has been going straight to Chad’s brain. There is not one part of his comparison of the “The Bachelorette” guys to a protein shake that is coherent. He can’t even finish his thought because he gets tied up in the confusion of this bro-tastic theory.
5. He’s just not funny
Chad called JoJo “naggy” which he thought was hilarious. No woman will ever laugh at being called a nag. Still, it seems Chad is totally clueless that his macho attempt at humor comes off as nothing more than degradingly sexist. This guy doesn’t have jokes — women want a man who can make her laugh, not a guy making jokes at her expense. He can’t even laugh at himself. Because, what’s to laugh at? He thinks he’s perfect.
If Brian Chad wasn’t so handsome, he would’ve been sent home week one. But he’s a great looking guy that is providing great entertainment for a show that’s somehow still thriving way past its golden years. It doesn’t look like Chad is going away any time soon. Here’s to a few more weeks of this meat-eating, contestant fighting, social inept ego maniac. Good luck, JoJo.
“The Bachelorette” airs on Monday nights at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.